Sunday, August 4, 2013

more like people from Charles Dickens novels

Original article here.

Being the most powerful city in the world AND where Joe Biden lives

Stop right there. Look, I know the Onion's version of Joe Biden is awesome, but the real one stopped having fun 30 years ago and is a fake-ass corporatist like every other high-profile Democrat.

It's easy to see why so many cities love hating on the District.

It sure is.

One of those fair cities is located just 45min North, and you all might know it as "where they filmed The Wire".

And Homicide: Life On the Street. And all of John Waters' films. Barry Levinson, too.

Yes, we are referring to the 24th largest city in the country, aka B'more, aka Monument City, aka Baltimore. And so -- because it is City Rivalry Week, and Joe Biden asked us to -- we're dropping 10 reasons why Federal City, aka Cap City, aka the District, is better than Ravenstown. To wit:

Food and Beverage Scene
DC's food scene this year alone has gotten a ton of national attention... and no, B'more, it's not because our Inner Harbor just got a Potbelly Sandwich Works, but more because of all our notable openings: minibar (Andres), Le Diplomate (Starr), Kapnos (Isabella), Range (Voltaggio), and Casa Luca (Trabocchi), just to name a few, along w/ over 20 other restaurants (this year alone). The District has also been part of a burgeoning beer scene with four breweries opening in the past two years: DC Brau, 3 Stars Brewing, Chocolate City, and Bluejacket (soon). Although, the Inner Harbor does also have a PF Chang's and a Chipotle.

Okay, so you're comparing the entirety of DC to one neighborhood in Baltimore that is a) a well-known tourist trap, and b) the only place DC residents go in Baltimore because they're scared of everything else. We've had a lot of good restaurants open in the last three years or so, and our brewing scene has picked up nicely. I'd put Alchemy and Birrotecca up against anything in DC.

An Actual Hockey Team Might Help
Wanna see a real bird? Check out the glorious blazing eagle on the front of our jersey. Although we're sure it was fun to watch the Baltimore Bandits AHL team from 1995-97, or the inline hockey powerhouse Maryland Knights in '07. Oh, and don't get us started on how awesome Ovechkin is on Twitter.

Who the fuck even cares about hockey.

Redskins Vs. Ravens
Okay, so look, you guys won a Super Bowl last year. Huzzah! We will give you, Ray Lewis, and Ray Lewis' help from God Almighty credit for that. But we've still got three to your two, and we're now armed with the greatest athlete in the world as quarterback, assuming our very weirdly sunburned coach doesn't try and do something reckless and stupid to him. Anywayyyy... Hail to the Redskins!

This paragraph is basically patting the Redskins on the back for being good 15 years ago. At least put over the Nationals - they had a good season last year.

Safety
So, with just about the same populations (620K or so), in 2012 Baltimore tallied up 217 homicides. DC had 92. That's not very good. And B'more, you can't blame all of those on Ray Lewis. Please don't tell him we said that.

Ray Lewis didn't kill anyone (he was an accessory who snitched, if I recall correctly) and the only reason DC is "safe" is because the city is pushing everyone who isn't a yuppie transplant into PG County.

Music
Not only is DC the birthplace of go-go and Duke Ellington, the District's also home to world-renowned venues like the 9:30 Club and the Kennedy Center. That being said, Baltimore is the birthplace of Billie Holiday, which might make up for the fact that you also gave us Avril Lavigne's lead guitarist. Yes, we are referring to you, Evan David Taubenfeld.

Weekends, Pure Junk, Thee Lexington Arrows, Future Islands, AK Slaughter, Mickey Free, Rare Candy, Ruiner, Deep Sleep, Clutch, Beach House, the Matrimonials, Bobby Lee and the Sympathizers, Aries, and I could go on for days. Go-go is trash and the 9:30 Club has been coasting on its withering cool guy reputation since I was in high school, so it's perfect for DC.

Public Transportation
As much as DC likes to complain about our metro, it is one of the most efficient, most convenient, and cleanest in the country. Baltimore's metro runs East to West only, and doesn't link up with either of the two other rail systems. Neither does its North-South-moving light rail. Even Trip Advisor says, "Your best bet is to rent a car."

I'll give DC props for its excellent metro system, and will chastise Baltimore for having a handful of public trans options that suck instead of one comprehensive one. That said, all DC residents do is bitch about their excellent metro system, so it's not even like you chucklefucks even appreciate it.

Monuments and Parks
The Mall, Washington Monument, Tidal Basin, Lincoln Memorial, Rock Creek Park, Martin Luther King, Theodore Roosevelt Island, the White House... We could do this for at least like four to six more minutes. Meanwhile, your claims to fame are an (admittedly sweet) ballpark and a smaller, sadder Washington Monument.

Our Washington Monument is actually a monument to Washington instead of a postmodern obelisk that everyone makes dick jokes about, so I think Baltimore wins that one. We're short on parks, admittedly, but we do have Druid Hill and Patterson Park, along with some pretty awesome historic cemeteries that double as parks for a surprising amount of people.

History
We're the city where Lincoln decided to put an end to slavery. You're the city that decided to try and put an end to Lincoln in a secret assassination plot during his inaugural train tour of the nation, only to be foiled at the last second by Allan Pinkerton, that Scottish detective guy. Seriously -- we just read a book about it.

This is a weird and highly-specific comparison to make, wouldn't you say? You do realize that Baltimore is quite a bit older than DC, don't you? Is one Lincoln anecdote really enough evidence that DC, a city built for the transient nature of representative government, has "better history" than Baltimore? How do you get your shoes on the correct feet in the morning?

Motto
Our motto is Justitia omnibus, or "Justice for all". Yours is "Get in on it". Only one of them sounds like the thing you say right after you've just revealed that you're planning to hold up a bank.

Who cares. If you love your motto so much, put it on your license plate fixtures instead of "taxation without representation."